#lifelessons101 – How to ask for help – reaching out to your community

We often hear in the news today that people are more isolated and that community spirit is something of the past.  People often blame overpopulation, the rise of crime and the classic – social media.

However, while all of these obviously important, I have another suggestion. It is my belief that we have simply stopped reaching out for help. That may seem strange. The idea of the breakdown of community because we don’t ask for help is not a traditional idea. However community has been supporting each other, helping each other since the dawn of time.

We know from research that our long gone ancestors lived as tribes. And why? Because with one pair of hands we simply could not do everything we needed to survive. We needed both hunter and gatherers. As we developed farming we needed a community to bring the harvest in. Imagine trying to build a house alone, it would be near on impossible. Not to mention work would go a lot slower if you had to keep stopping to make your own cups of tea!  

So why is it today are we has such as issue reaching out for help?

Garret Keizer, author of “Help: The Original Human Dilemma” (HarperCollins, 2004) said

“There is a tendency to act as if it’s a deficiency,”. The most common factor why people don’t like to ask for help today is that we are either worried about people judging them or because we feel incompetent if we can’t do it alone. Another reason is that we often move away from our established communities and we stop making new friends. Are the old classic is that we are too proud.

The challenge is that seeing asking for help as somehow making us less or being seen as less, is a destructive pathway. At work it can lead to us not getting that promotion because we don’t get any better at what we do. At home it can lead to building us feelings of resentment and frustration which can in turn lead to the breakdown of a relationship.  At school we might fail exams because we didn’t want to explain that we didn’t understand. And in extreme cases it can lead to drastic consequences of self harm when we don’t reach out in times of extreme psychological demise. Just think back for a moment. There will be a negative situation in your past that could have been easily solved just by asking for help.

I am lucky in that I am not a person who has difficulty in asking for help. Having moved countless times in my adult life, having lived on the streets a few times and now living in a completely different country leaving my communities behind and building a new one has become one of the most important tools I have in my arsenal for helping me get the best out of life.

Nancy Astor once said “I have always relied of the kindness of strangers” and I adopted it as my mantra at an early age. I have been so lucky to have met so many amazing people who have helped me in one way or another throughout my life. And I am forever grateful. As I write I am awaiting a wonderful team of 18 amazing people who are coming to help us this weekend dig out our vegetable garden and help us manage the huge garden we have that we simply cannot manage on our own. (We in turn are feeding and watering them and giving them the opportunity to learn to plant dye.) However, I wouldn’t have their help if I hadn’t searched for the people and simply asked.

The most important thing I have learnt about asking is not only that if you don’t ask, you don’t get (another of my Mum’s pearls of wisdom) but that if you as you also have to give. Many of my clients who struggle with asking for help forget that people do actually like to help people. It is one of the bonuses of giving help. People like to feel needed. They also like to feel appreciated. The thank you note, the return favor or the little surprise gift goes a long way to building the bonds of community and friendship. If give as well as asking, it makes the ask easier and the results so much more powerful.

However, I do realised that many of you do not find this as easy as I do.  And although you haven’t asked for my help I would like to do just that and give you a few tips to help you get started:

  • Identify what help you need. And then look at your network and find out who is best suited for the job. If you have to keep off your feet would it be best to ask your scatty best friend or your neatfreak sister to help you clean the house.  Does the person you are asking have the life experience and the skills for the job?
  • Have a think about how you could help them. Don’t offer it as a trade when you ask for their help but keeping it there in the back of your mind and look for an opportunity to give back when you can.
  • Don’t forget to rely less on the obvious people. When seeking a doctor, for example, do not just ask your friends, but go to a nearby gym and ask who the athletes see. Personally whenever I move to a new place I always visit the tourist information. They always seem to be able to help if others can’t when finding the info I need.
  • When asking be straightforward and honest.  Ask in specific terms.
  • Bypass phone calls or e-mail messages if at all possible and make your request in person.
  • Don’t feel bad if they can’t help. It’s not personal (99% of the time) the other person just can’t help you right now. Maybe they will know someone who can.
  • Say thank you when the agreement is struck, when the need has been met and when you next see the person who helped you.
  • Look for opportunities to help other people, not just the ones who have helped you. Paying it forward is a great way to spread the love around. I was lucky enough at one point in my life to have a friend who emptied her cupboards of all food she didn’t need when she found out I didn’t have enough money for food. 10 years later I was able to help somebody else in a similar situation. What goes around comes around.

Helping each other out is a great way to build community. Communal success is a team building and bonding experience. When we all roll up our sleeves and pitch in the accomplishments are shared. So weather its a study group, a project with a deadline that seems overwhelming, a mental health issue that is overwhelming or simply building a garden; when you reach out for help you are also allowing people the opportunity to share in your success. You are not just asking you are also giving!

Have a great weekend <3

It’s so much easier when we talk! -Taking the difficult conversations

When people understand each other amazing and inspiring things can happen. Unfortunately the reverse of that statement is also true. When we don’t understand each other negative and sometimes destructive things happen. Relationships and conflicts, whether at home or professionally can be a minefield. And often it is one of our own making.

(Now if you are reading this in the hope you can resolve a conflict that point of view might surprise you, just hear me out.)

The bottom line is that most conflicts are caused by lack of communication.

We have all been there. There is an issue in a relationship. It could be something small, but it bugs you. But instead of communicating this, you avoid it. Over time it builds up. It becomes and unspoken issue. One person is aware of it. The other possibly not. Eventually it explodes. And then you can either talk it out or shy away from the hard conversation by avoiding it. And that only makes things worse. The situation can end up unsolvable

When we don’t talk we can end up feeling isolated

You are not alone if you don’t like to take difficult conversations. The majority of people don’t like it. And biologically our survival instincts go crazy when we are in a potential difficult communication situation, making it even harder for us to communicate effectively.

It is understandable that we sometimes avoid conflict because we do not want to hurt others or cause relationship problems. In the short term, we may feel relieved because we do not have to face the other person.

NOT talking NEVER solves the problem.

The truly amazing thing is that we all have more power than we think in these kind of situations. Think back through your life. How many situations could have been different if you had communicated? How many conflicts could have been avoided if you had taken the leap to have a difficult honest conversation and worked towards a solution? Wouldn’t it have been great to feel empowered by one of those situations instead of feeling frustrated or like a victim.

The great news is you can feel empowered if you dare to take the difficult conversations.

When you take a difficult conversation it empowers you to:

  • Stop the build up resentment and frustration
  • Acknowledge and give space for your feelings
  • Create a space of honesty and direct communication
  • Understand and be understood
  • Look for and reach solutions easier

And I KNOW it’s not easy.

Personally I hate taking difficult conversations. I find it enormously challenging at work and much easier in a relationship. For others it is the complete reverse. And for some of you it’s both environments that you find hard.

The good news is that there is a simple strategy to taking the difficult conversation whether at work or at home- if you dare!

This is a step by step guide to having a difficult conversation aiming to find a solution and clear communication. And trust me in 99% of situations is works. I have tried this in both professional and personal situations. From the boss that belittled me, to the boyfriend that simply couldn’t understand why I got sick of his computer gaming every night, to the friend who I needed to create healthy boundaries with, this process has seen me through and made my life so much easier.

STEP 1: Working on Yourself: Prepare for the Conversation

Prepare for the conversation and work on you

Before going into the conversation, prepare. You need to watch out. You might actually have a hidden agenda. Remember the majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself.

Ask yourself some questions to be clear:

About you:

  • What is your purpose for having the conversation?
  • What do you hope to accomplish?
  • What would be an ideal outcome?
  • What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions?.
  • What “buttons” of yours are being pushed?
  • Are you more emotional than the situation warrants?
  • What personal history or back story is being triggered that is under the surface of your reaction?
  • What are your needs and fears?
  • How have you contributed to the problem?
  • What would a solution look like for you?

About them:

  • Who is the opponent?
  • What might they be thinking about this situation?
  • Is he aware of the problem?
  • How do you think they perceive it?
  • What are his needs and fears?
  • What solution do you think he would suggest?
  • How has the other person contributed to the problem?

And importantly ask:

  • Are there any common concerns? Could there be?

Here you are looking deeply into your responsibility and trying to place yourself in the perspective of your opponent.

Sometimes if I find this method doesn’t quite help me understand my reaction in a situation I use John Gray’s Feeling Letter technique to help me get clear about my emotional state, and release negative emotions before taking the difficult conversation.

Step 2: Starting the conversation

Ask, don’t confront

Have the conversation sooner rather than later. Don’t spring it on the other person. Remember you have prepared, they haven’t had the same opportunity. They may not even know the situation is going on.  Opening the conversation in a non confrontational manner is really important.

There was something that bothered me at the meeting yesterday , and I’d like to talk with you about it.

As opposed to

Look, I don’t like what you said at yesterday’s meeting  and we have to get that sorted, now”

An  even better way is to give them an opportunity to prepare.

There’s something I’d like to talk with you about from yesterday’s meeting. When would be a good time to do this?

Step 3: The conversation

In the conversation use

  • Inquiry
  • Acknowledgement
  • Advocacy
  • Problem solving

Inquiry

Explain the challenge and then pretend you don’t know anything (you really don’t), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and his point of view. Let them talk until they are finished. Don’t interrupt except to acknowledge. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. This part of the conversation is about you understanding the unspoken dialogue and perspective of the other person.

Acknowledgment

Show that you’ve heard and understood. Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. Acknowledgment can be difficult if we muddle  it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, “this sounds really important to you,” doesn’t mean I’m going to go along with your decision.

Advocacy

When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all their energy on the topic, it’s your turn. What can you see from your perspective that he’s missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing his. Be honest without being confrontational. Allow the other person to understand your hidden perspective.

Problem-Solving

Now you’re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what they think might work.Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety  Whatever they says, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes a conflict, go back to inquiry.

Step 4:  Look for the positive

Celebrate the positive outcomes

Even with using the formula it can be harrowing to take the conversation. I find a good way to make my peace and feel good about the conversation is afterwards to collectively or alone identify what the positive outcomes were from the conversation.


These steps have helped me and I hope they will help you. Let me know how you get on in the comments below

Have a great week <3

Spring is here, it’s the time for action!

Well unless you have been asleep for the last few weeks you can’t have failed to notice that Spring is well and truly here! Bringing with it a burst of colour and energy. It is time for us to shake off the sleepiness of winter, discard our winter warm layers and step into this time of action.

When you look around in nature Spring is simply a hive of activity. Everything is growing, new animals are being born and the birds are busying about. Spring must have come as such a relief to our ancestors. Imagine being stuck inside during the dark of winter. The house full to burst with people and very little light. Getting back to the longer and lighter days must have been a blessing in itself. Not to mention the promise of good food to come as the ploughing and planting season begun.

Hello Spring!

Of course in our lives today we are far removed from that cycle of land and the necessity of following the farming year. However, we still feel the energy boost that spring brings to our lives. The energy of growth and renewal. And when we harness that energy and connect with it the Spring brings with it so many opportunities. Primarily the opportunity to spring into action!

So how to harness the exhilarating renewal and growth energy of Spring? There is no better way than mirroring what is happening in nature and applying those principles to your own life.  Spring energy is threefold it includes:

  • Clearing
  • Renewal
  • Growth / action

To help you get connecting to Spring, here are some ideas of how you can practically apply and harness this energy within your own life and spring into action!  

Clearing

The Spring Clean. It’s an oldie but a goodie. Humans have been Spring Cleaning this for centuries. On the land gardeners and farmers are clearing the winter debris so they can plant the new seeds. So too can we shake out the debris of our winter hibernation and simplify our lives. There are many ways to do this here’s a few ideas to get started:

Clear out the clutter and make space for something new
  • Spring clean your home, your wardrobe or your garden.
  • Empty out the drawers in your office desk and only put back in what you really need.
  • Clear out your handbag or your car.
  • Clean up your digital files and post those numerous pics on Facebook you have meaning to do for months.
  • Get your diary organised and get a handle on the year to come
  • Do a diet cleanse and clear up your body from the inside out
  • Clear up your relationships and cut away the toxic relationships that don’t serve you
  • Clean your windows
  • Unsubscribe to excess newsletters
  • Make a budget and clean up your expenses
  • Start meditation in the morning or evenings to clear your mind
  • Clean up your day by following a time management plan or just cutting down on social media time.

Renewal

Many of last years, bulbs and plants are beginning to grow new shoots. Stretching for the sun’s warmth. Similarly we have the need to reach for the sunlight and renew our energy a fresh. Renewal in life means that we need to check in and reassess and then commit to new actions to move forward. Plus taking a little r and r along the way to boost your energy.

You could:

  • Allow yourself to let go of the past to make room for new things to come into your life.
  • Commit to making decisions you’ve been putting off.
  • Challenge limiting beliefs about yourself and about how things should be.
  • Do an an integrity check and make sure that you are really on track in your life.
  • Assess the progress of your yearly goals and make commitments to their manifestation
  • Go outside and soak up the sun whenever it is shining for an energy boost
  • Take a weekend break and indulge in a little r and r
  • Try a different daily or weekly routine
  • Share tasks out that drain your energy to make them easier to get done
  • Adopt an attitude of optimism for a week
  • Dedicate 10 mins every day to doing something that brings you joy
  • Give your diet of boost of nourishment
Soak up the spring sun and renew your energy

Growth/ Action

The energy boost of growth in nature is insanely powerful at Spring. There is an almost overwhelming urgency to grow. Often around Spring people desire change in their life. But we cannot wait expectantly for our lives to change if we are unwilling to take some action.

As Henry Rollins said “In winter, I plot and plan. In spring, I move.” So it’s time to harness the power of urgency and get moving!

You could:

  • Revamp that fitness routine
  • Recommit to the new year’s resolutions you have forgotten to follow through with
  • Focus on one project to completion.
  • Adopt a self care routine
  • Get broken stuff fixed albeit it physical or emotional
  • Break out of your comfort zone and try something you have never tried before
  • Expand your social circle or see some friends you haven’t seen for a long time
  • Plant some seeds
  • Feng shui your house
  • Do something you always wanted to do, but never dared to
  • Start an appreciation or gratitude practice
  • Change your morning routine
Connect with growth energy by planting something

Just like Spring cleaning your home, connecting with Spring energy doesn’t have to be a ton of work, you can pick and choose the areas that need cleaned the most (or are the most urgent). If you can only commit to doing one thing then do that thing to the fullest. Most importantly embrace the season. And let Spring be your season of simplifying, change and action.  So that you can grow and blossom as your most beautiful self.

How will you connect with Spring energy this year?

Let me know in the comments below.

Have a beautiful week <3



How to get around self doubt in your abilities and believe in yourself just a little bit more.

No one is YOU and that is YOUR super power

This morning I saw a quote that really resonated with me. “The light you see in others is shining brightly within you”. So simple, yet logical and indisputable. Everyone has a light within them. And all of us find it easier to see it in other people than within ourselves. This is at its most obvious when it comes to our abilities. No word of a lie I think nearly every person in the world (excluding Trump) doubts their own ability.

The funny thing is that the things we feel the least confident in the people around us,  have no doubt in our ability to succeed.

This past weekend I had an experience just like this.

I had really challenged myself to step outside my comfort zone and teach a workshop in an area I would not consider myself an expert. In front of my peers, people I know well and my wider social community I volunteered to put myself out there. And boy you can believe me when I say I was hella scared. Like heart pounding, blood pumping, butterflies in the stomach and wanting to be sick nervous. Yet my lovely Mr T, and my right hand dwarf, just laughed and reassured me. They were cooly confident in my ability to pull it off. They were, to my surprise right. And afterwards the feedback I got was great. (Whilst Mr T and the dwarf grinning as baboons both said I told you so.) Everyone loved it. I had succeeded. And yet as I think back over the whole experience I know I would be just as freaked out and full of self doubt the next time round.

This is something that happens to me, and almost everyone I know on a regular basis.

Why is it we doubt ourselves so much?

Is it due to an increase in low self confident and comparitus with the rise of social media in our lives? Possibly. However I don’t think self doubt is synonymous to the 21st century. I was alive in the analog 20th century and I  am pretty sure it happen then too. Almost everyone struggles with self-doubt at some point or another. And almost everyone thinks they’re the only one who does. I believe it to be part of our survival mechanism. Part of the system that judges whether or not we will make it through a challenge. And at the same time I see i self doubt as part of our ability to learn process. Now I know some of you out there have truly terrible and life crippling self-doubt. And if you do please reach out for support.

But is self doubt really a 100%  negative thing?

I don’t believe so. I like to see my self doubt in my abilities, as a positive trait, rather than a negative trait. As a guide and alliee instead of an enemy. Just imagine this if you will. How about you start to see your self doubt as:

  • A gut instinct telling you this is the way you need to challenge yourself to grow.
  • An acknowledgement of how much you have to learn
  • You really care about whatever it is you are doing and want to do it well.

Now when you look at self doubt in that light it doesn’t seem so negative. Right?

It is amazing of how a shift in thinking, seeing self doubt as a friend can change the ball game. Instead of being all consuming it becomes something you can work with and do something about. These days if I feel the depths of self doubt forming in my stomach I 9 times out of 10 will say yes to whatever it is that I am being challenged to do.  After all one of my life’s philosophies is:

Bravery is not the absence of fear. It is having a fear and doing it anyway

However, I know it can be hard to boost yourself up sometimes, even when you know self doubt is your friend. Its at times like this you need to see that reflection of belief in your ability that everyone else has. Basically be able to see yourself through even one else’s eyes

Confidence is all about feedback mechanism

What I mean is that in order to feel more confident you need to change the negative loop running around your brain and turn it in to a positive feedback playlist. At times like this I have 3 tips that can help you believe in yourself just a little bit more.

I am not good at …………… I am good at ……………..

This is one of the simplest tricks I have found to kickstart a positive playlist in my mind. Basically you tell yourself I am not good at …………… I am good at …………….. So if it was a Maths test I had to do (ugh – who actually enjoys those if they are not called Sheldon Cooper?!)  I would write I am not good at algebra,  but I am good at addition. It is reassuring and calming, and ultimately makes you smile!

Ask for moral support

Remember the light you see in others they can see in you. Don’t be afraid to reach out and tell people I am freaking out I don’t think I can do this. And although it is amazing to hear “you go this” It is ok to ask for more of a boost.  You can ask them why they think you can do this? Why do they believe in your ability. Its okay at this point to ask what they can see in you because you need to believe in what you can do to overcome your doubt. So callin your own personal cheerleader squad.

Dive in and do your best

Ultimately, you can only ever do your best. You don’t have any more to give. So prep as much as you can. Get your cheer squad to egg you on and take the dive. If you let self doubt be the reason you don’t do something this is going to be a life regret. No matter how scared you are the thing you are doing, it won’t last forever. At some point it will be over. You will have learnt, grown and stretched your comfort zone a little. Even if it takes you 20 times to feel good in that zone. It will get a little less scary each time you do it so just do your best.

“Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.” — William Shakespeare

So to conquer your doubts just enough to get you through remember to treat them as a friend and motivation. To create the positive feedback you need internally and externally and lastly do your best and dive in. No these are not long term strategies to curing self doubt. But at times where you are feeling challenged, like an exam, an important presentation or even daring to do something different in front of your peer group, these 3 tips will help you through. And you will find that self doubt can become your friend that supports you to widen your horizons.

How do you cope with self doubt in your own abilities – let me me know in the comments below

Have a great week <3

#lifelessons101 : Sometimes surrendering the fight is the way to win the fight

As some of you may have noticed, over the last month or so things have not been hunky dory in our world. In fact far from it. Since September I have been fighting for a project to work out that really meant the make or break of my career goals that I have been working on for 4 years. On top of which we have a family member who is dying and my beloved Mr T is going through something which has raised his anxiety levels to an all time high. Life has become a constant pressure pot where someone has been raising the heat just a little every day.

In short, it’s been hard…… Damn hard.

And for me the breaking of my career dreams has the point where everything simply boiled over and the walls came tumbling down.

After many tears and raging at the universe, Mr T and anyone else that has been willing to listen for the last 6 months. I have reached the enough is enough point. And today I have surrendered.

Even though many people believe what has been happening to me is unfair and wrong. I am actually giving up. I have fought long and hard, but nothing is budging. So I surrendered the fight.

And it feels great!

The funny thing is when we hear the phrase “give up” or surrender we often tend to think of it as a negative thing. “You can do it”,  “Just keep believing in yourself”, “If you want it fight for it” is often the response to such a statement. And I would agree. At the beginning. But after 6 months of banging my head against the brick wall of bureaucracy.  It is time for me to read the room differently. And when I took that perspective I could suddenly see that this blooming, frustrating brick wall of BS is actually a message from the universe that this thing you are fighting for is not actually right for me.

This stepping back perspective. This surrendering in the fight. Actually gave me complete clarity to realign with my original dreams. It has got me back on my path. And it reminded me that truly the only thing that really matters to me is enjoying my journey and loving my life.

Surrendering has actually given me the freedom to enjoy my life!


Now it has taken a huge leap of faith to do this. Faith that by stepping back the universe will provide. It basically means I have to trust that being put back onto financial survival mode is going to be a positive thing in my life. And that is not easy when my survival instincts are in panic mode.

However, if I am going to get any kind of win from this fight. That’s what I have to do. I have to put my faith in the universe first. Then find a logical way to deal with the mundane of less income. And take the opportunity it provides of more time.

Surrendering to accepting what I can’t change,

Stepping back and looking for the opportunity,

Rerooting in myself and my true path in life,

Has given me not only the best night’s sleep in months,

But also the drive and motivation to follow my dreams in a different way!

Wow!

Now I am not saying you should not fight for you dreams. You damn well should. But if you find the universe keeps blocking you. That things are not working out to plan. Or you are ending up in the same old destructive cycle. This is the point where taking a step back. Letting go of the frustration. Trusting the universe. Re-assessing what it is you truly need and want and then looking for the opportunity to follow your dream differently, is the way forward.

You have to choose your battles carefully. And every good general knows that sometimes retreating, regrouping and reorganising is the way to win.

What is not working if you life right now? What it the universe trying to tell you? And how can you find the opportunity in this situation to find a new way of doing something ? What is going to give you the freedom to enjoy your life?

Let me know in the comments below

Have a great weekend <3

How I organise my life – Time management that works

For years my personal time management sucked.  I couldn’t remember appointments, struggled with daily tasks and felt overwhelmed. I procrastinated, I just accepted the negative consequences and lived in a constant state of feeling guilty.  Then I became self employed first time round and there was no-one else to pick up the pieces. I had to do everything. My work day suddenly started at 9:00 and finished at 00:00. I was constantly stresses, everything felt like work and I was even more overwhelmed than before. After five years and one too many head injuries (I get clumsy when I am exhausted) I finally had a breakdown. The business had to close and I needed to take a step back.

Today I am considered a time management expert, I still find that strange. However a huge part of my job is guiding people in how to get the most out of their 24 hours in a way that means they get stuff done and have a balanced, fun life. Learning from my mistakes I have created a simple system of time management that works for me and my clients. It is simple it is fast and it feels good.

So this is how I turned one of the most disorganised stressed out people I knew, myself, into a person who has got their stuff together, gets the most out of their day and even though busy always has time to do what they want to do. This is how I organise my life.

Step 1: Yearly Goal setting

Knowing what I want in life and how I want to grow makes life so much easier. I set goals at the beginning of each year. 8 personal and work goals. I keep it at 8 so that it is manageable and achievable. Now I do this in January for business and in February for personal goals but you can start right now. Once I have made my goals SMART I create action steps, baby progress steps,  for each of the goals I want to achieve. So a goal of I want to take care of my physical health becomes – I want to do 10 mins yoga everyday, I want to eat 50% less Junk food by Christmas etc.

I highly recommend investing some alone time into this process, with a glas or a cup of something you like and good music on in the background this can be an inspiring process.

Step 2: Monthly Goals

I group the important areas of my life into 4 sections. Work, Me, Life, Social. Basically work is obviously for work related tasks, Me is for my own personal development, dreams, or fun stuff I want to do. Life is the other stuff. Doctors appointments, organising holidays, important things that I need to do at the house or in the garden. Social is the social appointments I have that month. Then I fill out the monthly spread below in a notebook that I can close and it sits on my desk.

Some of the monthly goals are set by the calendar, Dad’s birthday, group meetings etc some of the monthly goals come from the yearly goals action steps I have created.

Step 3: Monthly overview

One of the issues I had with time management was my unrealistic expectations of how much time I really had. This monthly overview system works wonders for me. And has the added bonus of me remembering to take self care breaks.

In the form below you simply fill out first the fixed activites you have such as work, training, food shopping. Then fill in the monthly appointments, social events, such as dentist visit or girls night. After that block out a break of at least one evening after tiring social activities or weeks with a lot in them. Lastly put in stuff that you want to get done. Scrapbooking or weeding the garden. Don’t put more that one task into the 2 boxes. The top box is for activities before 17:00 the bottom on is for activities after 17:00. This helps keep the overview and reminds me what is the main focus area for each day.

Step 4: Weekly plan

Instead of creating a weekly todo list I use my monthly goals and monthly overview to plot out my activities for the week. I know exactly when I am writing an article or putting the washing away. It is scheduled not by time but by areas of the day, morning, afternoon and evening. One of the things I am really strict about is making a cut off point of my day. Basically the time where I am not willing to work over AND the time where I am not willing to grown up (ie washing, cleaning, cooking, paying bills, etc). After my break down I insist on at least a full 1 down time. In Fact these days work stops at 17:00, grown upping at 18:30 -19:00, after dinner is down time.

Step 5: Daily plan

Some people love to time block their to do list, personally I love to use the  Todoist app. Basically once I have made a week plan I plot the activities into my app and prioritise them. If you don’t time block I highly recommend prioritising your daily to do list. It helps you be realistic about what you can do in 24 hours and to plan after how much energy you have.


The biggest thing this system has taught me is to accept. Accept what I can do and what I can’t do. IT makes my planning realistic, my stress less and I am a lot happier in my life. Now as you read this you might be thinking doesn’t this take a long time. Honestly I probably use 1 hour per month on this process and considering that the average month has 730,001 hours I think it is time well spent as I not only achieve what needs doing and I  have at least 50 hours a week to invest in myself doing what I want to do. Now who wouldn’t like that?

If you would like more time management tips and hacks check out my time management tips article here!

What time management systems work for you?

Let me know in the comments below

Have a great week <3

A gift from autism -How to be honest with yourself and others

Over the last few weeks I have been in the strange position to be surrounded by people who can not, or choose not to communicate openly about their feelings. I have seen people suppressing painful emotions, people refusing to believe the reality before them, people happily complaining about another person, but not clearly communicating with them what they want and need. It’s been surreal to observe. And in some cases painful seeing people hurting themselves and others by not being able to own their emotions.

It was amazing to see the excuses people gave themselves for not communicating their issues to the other people. “They wouldn’t listen” “They don’t need to hear this right now.” People actually preferred to not own their emotions not to be honest with themselves rather than communicating their needs honestly and openly. In some cases it seemed as though people would rather have the issue than seek the solution.

It baffled me that it seems to be a social norm that people avoid resolution by not communicating honestly and expecting it to get fixed without effort.  My inner Vulcan was incensed by this illogical and irrational behavior. Until I realized it all boils down to honesty. Or rather our ability to be honest with ourselves and others.

So what is it that holds us back from being honest? Well there are many reasons. However, in my work I have found there are two common trends that stop you from being honest:

  • It’s easier to blame someone else rather than yourself.
  • You are afraid of rejection

And I get it. I used to have these issues too. However that was the days before Mr T came into my life. Mr T has Asperger and for those of you that know a little about Asperger’s you will know that it is a strain of autism. Now autism can be seriously challenging to live with. However it does come with gifts too. One of the things that comes with this, at least in Mr T’s case, is blatant honesty. And by blatant I mean knows no boundaries and is incredibly blunt. The little blue lies that get other men out of trouble, do not exist for him. Obviously in the early days of our relationship this caused one or two issues. However, as I got to know him I began to realize that this blatant honesty was a blessing rather than an hindrance. In fact it is something all non autistic people can benefit from.

When I began to operate from the same level of honesty an amazing shift happened in our communication. For one thing it freed me up from the confusion of cross communication. If one of us didn’t understand then we said so. It made me more comfortable in expressing my needs and more accepting of hearing his. It saved a huge amount of time and emotional energy. And when we applied this honestly consciously to our actions we began to learn which dramas we were operating from it gave us a whole new understanding of ourselves.

These days if we get into a row one of us will ask ‘which drama are you operating from right now?‘ Drama being a code for a previous life experience, fear or insecurity that is being projected onto a current situation. This question gives the other person the opportunity to self reflect, identify what is really going on and to own it. Rather than projecting it. (It also quickly allows us to identify misunderstandings in our communication. An added bonus) It’s so empowering. By fostering this level of honesty in our communications it supports us to be honest with ourselves and each other.

And what I have found is that this magic question “what drama am I operating from?” is that it can also be used by myself on myself. I want to lose weight, but don’t want to stop eating junk food, well that’s straight away from my low self confidence and the hating people (even myself) dictating what I can and can’t do from my childhood dramas. Frustrated at my boss’s lack of positive feedback, there is my need for acknowledgement from my father drama. Once identified and owned, the solutions of how to solve the issue comes quite quickly. And as I always say if you can understand something, you can do something about it.

Of course honesty does sometimes hurt. Its part of the package. Mr T’s explanations of why he has not proposed yet hurt like buggery. Yet I knew that he wasn’t being malicious or intending pain, he was simply explaining his truth. Instead of letting the upset take over I was able to discuss it with him and actually we had a really enlightening conversation about it. Remember if you give honesty there are people out there who will give it back. If the honesty hurts own the feeling and find out why it hurts, see what it is you need to work with. And remember to respond not react.

Now I am not going to say communicating with another person, or even ourselves at this level of honesty isn’t challenging. It is. It takes a lot of bravery to take ownership of our insecurities at this level and a level of vulnerability to be honest in the face of potential rejection and societal norms. However what I know from practicing it is that it gets easier with time. And it simplifies life enormously. If I explode that Mr T yet again has not emptied the dishwasher I know that underneath it is a back history of frustration at  partners who expected me to get on with everything even at the point of self destruction. This quickly reminds me that Mr T is not one of them and changes the explosion to me asking him how we can remind him to do his chores. If I use the drama question on myself then I quickly get to the root cause of whatever is bothering me. However I use it it quickly leads to the solutions phase.

Basically being brave enough to get over the blame game and our fear of rejection to be honest about what is going on with us and own it makes life so much easier. And who doesn’t want that. One of the best side effects of this level of honesty is respect. As you become more honest with yourself, you respect yourself more and other people reflect that  too. Infact your bullshit sensors get so highly tuned that you tend to filter out unnecessary and unwanted bs, surrounding yourself with people who both respect and inspire you by saying what they really think.

Try it and see for yourself.

Let me know how you get on with your honesty experiences in the comments below

Have an amazing week and remember to enjoy your journey <3

#lifelessons101 – How to Recover from a Meltdown

If there is one thing certain about life it’s that there are ups and downs for all of us. And sometimes they come all at once which can result in a complete and utter total emotional meltdown. To be honest, I don’t think I have met a person who hasn’t experienced a complete meltdown. That moment where you are looking at everything you have to cope with and you simply can’t deal with it anymore. And something tips you over the edge

It could be a problem at work, at home, a dream that seems impossible to reach, or that day where everything goes wrong, when you are under an extreme amount of pressure the smallest thing can tip the balance and you find yourself in tears unable to see the way through and incapable of the most basic things on your to do list.

I recently had a major meltdown. Overly exhausted, nothing was working out. Instead of the planned vacation I was looking forward to a family member suddenly was close to death which meant some seriously hard recurring visits to the hospital on top of which I was under immense pressure at work, I was getting behind on the simplest of tasks. My home was a mess. I was a mess. The exhaust fell off the car. And one evening when I hadn’t noticed the dinner I made was put on the table still half frozen it felt like the whole world came crashing down around me and I exploded in a flood of tears. I cried for about 2 hours solidly and by the end I felt like I had done 30 rounds with Mike Tyson and as a emotionally capable as a soggy paper towel. I honestly haven’t had such a big meltdown in the longest time. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

You might be shocked that I can still have these experiences. That somehow being a Life Coach means I’m immune to such experiences. It doesn’t.  My overwhelm has lessened considerably over many years, but being human means that from time to time things inevitably pile up. For me being a coach doesn’t mean avoiding such instances altogether, but learning how to move through them with less suffering.

So once done with the cathartic tears, there I sat in the middle of the same situation. And the only person who could get me out of it was me. I needed to recover, to climb back out of the large hole and get it together again. And that’s where my coaching background is my saviour.  I feel pretty lucky to have the tools needed for a quick recovery, and the understanding that while pain isn’t optional- suffering really is.

Recovering from a total emotional meltdown can seem like the most impossible of tasks. However, with a little conscious thought and gentle self care it is possible to get back on the horse again after a meltdown.

The first step to recovery is to know what not to do if you actually want to feel better:

  • Get drunk
  • Binge watch Netflix
  • Stay up all night reliving the horror
  • Eat junk food
  • Stop eating
  • Pretend you are ok – So Ignore, avoid, numb, deny your feelings
  • Try to get back up to full speed immediately

I know these because I have done them all in the past. And from experience I can tell you that all of these things will make you feel worse, keeping you in the black pit and ultimately delay your recovery.

Here is what does work to feel human and whole again after a meltdown:

Step 1:  Get a 48 hour break

Meltdowns are a flashing neon sign that you are under an enormous amount of stress beyond your bodies capability.  When you meltdown you need someone to help relieve you of your instant pressure. If you had a fever you wouldn’t be able to do everything a meltdown is an emotional fever. So its ok to ask your partner to take on the primary child care for 48 hours. You need a break to recover so do whatever you can to lighten your load. 48 hours of rest and self care will help you get back up again so delegate your major responsibilities and tasks that make you feel as though you want to cry and allow yourself this time you need to recharge.

Step 2: Self Care

In the initial stage of recovery you will be feeling vulnerable and that is totally ok. You cannot expect to cry it out and then hop up and say I am all good now. Initially you need a large dose of self care. Cancel your appointments. Take some time out to do what feels good for you. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to sleep, sleep. For me doing things I liked to do as a child really helps. Like playing tetris on the game boy. Hiding under a duvet on the sofa reading a book. Or even colouring books help me. My other go is yoga. (I highly recommend the Yoga with Adriene Head and Heart Reset video after a melt down).  You might feel better from having a bath, going for a run. Find what feels good for you.

Step 3: Start with the basics

As humans are basic needs are food, water, sleep. After that being clean is a great help to feeling better. Take baby steps. Have some food. Drink some water. Get some rest. Then get dressed, brush your teeth. If, as is often the case during a melt down period your home is a mess and your fridge is empty ask a friend over to help you do the basic things like the washing, cleaning or food shopping. Getting support will help you feel that you are not alone and that is so important for recovery from a meltdown.

Step 4: Prioritise after your needs

So the long to do list is probably one of the main factors you had the meltdown in the first place. To recover you need to prioritise after you own needs if you don’t want to relapse. There is no point working to someone else’s tempo right now. Whereever possible cut out all social arrangements. Being around to many people won’t help you right now.  (Avoiding social media helps at this stage too). Identify the things that are really important for your mental health to do. For me it included getting the house tidier, writing an article and focusing on my priority clients were what was most important at that time, so that is what I focused on. If I couldn’t delegate another task then it would have to wait. Simple as that.

Step 5: Get some vitamin D

As soon as you can and no later than 48 hours get outside and go for a walk. If you live in a busy area then shut out the noise with some music or an audiobook. A sunny boost Vitamin D helps no matter what time of the year it is.  Shinrin-yoku is a term that means “taking in the forest atmosphere” or “forest bathing.” It was developed in Japan during the 1980s and has become a cornerstone of preventive health care and healing in Japanese medicine.
The idea is simple: if a person simply visits a natural area and walks in a relaxed way there are calming and restorative benefits to be achieved. So find a place in nature or even a park where you can take a gentle walk and feel rejuvenated.

Step 6: Take each day one step at a time

As you feel stronger don’t take on too, much too soon. Recovery from a meltdown takes time. Follow you needs. Just take one step at a time.

Step 7: Give yourself moments of peace

And as you get stronger remember to give yourself moments of peace. Meditate, read a book, have a 20 minute rest lying in bed listening to music, exercise, be creative, give yourself a foot massage and get to bed before 10pm. One of the reasons the meltdown occurs is because in the situation you have been in you haven’t been taking care of yourself. An emotional meltdown is a VERY loud universal message that you need to take care of yourself. It is important to hear and heed that message.

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If you find that after the 48 break your are still weeping and under the duvet this is the point where you are probably in need of professional help. There are many wonderful practices out there from counselors, therapist, doctors, alternative medicine that are ready to support you. It is OK to get help when you need it.

What are your go to’s for quick meltdown recovery? What helps you move from from breakdown to breakthrough? Let me know in the comments below


Have a wonderful weekend <3

Solo travel – how to make your adventure the perfect personal growth opportunity

I love adventures. I love having things to look forward to. For me it keeps life interesting. For me the best kind of adventure is going somewhere I have never been before. Travelling, is one of all of my clients top goals. Now I love to travel with loved ones and friends, it’s great to share memories when we come home. However, the ultimate adventure for me is travelling alone. Going to a new country. Figuring out where to go, what to do, how to get there. It’s exhilarating, exciting and always an opportunity for personal growth.

I took my first alone trip when I was 18, starting with London. Then a day trip to Calais. And then a month travelling South Africa during my divorce, launched my alone pilgrimages around the world. As we speak I am on the train from Denmark taking my first proper trip to Germany. (Somehow up until now I have only ever passed through the country and seen all manner of service stations).  And when I look back all my travels have been at points in my life when I was in need of inner reflection, transition points where in an intense period of time I grew a lot as a person.

Solo travel is the perfect opportunity for personal growth. For one thing it takes us out our comfort zone. Challenging us to be brave. Travelling alone gives us less noise. Our horizons are widen. We don’t have the need to talk to entertain or in some cases perform. As we observe reflect, as we reflect we grow.  As the travel channel says “Travel is not a reward for working it’s education for living.”  And today in world where personal development is such a trend and it’s easier than ever to travel the world we have the good fortune to maximise the personal growth opportunity of solo travel.
Solo travel is the perfect opportunity for personal growth. For one thing it takes us out our comfort zone. Challenging us to be brave. Travelling alone gives us less noise. Our horizons are widen. We don’t have the need to talk to entertain or in some cases perform. As we observe reflect, as we reflect we grow.  As the travel channel says “Travel is not a reward for working it’s education for living.”  And today in world where personal development is such a trend and it’s easier than ever to travel the world we have the good fortune to maximise the personal growth opportunity of solo travel.

So on this mini adventure I am going to do just that. (After all a life coach has to practice what they preach.)  Putting into practice everything I have learnt from my other adventures to see if I can maximise the opportunities on the trip ahead.  If you are lucky enough to have a half term or weekend/ mid week break coming up, try this recipe for your personal growth adventure and don’t forget to let me know how it goes in the comments below.

Set your intention

On a personal growth adventure the location isn’t as important as the intention for travelling. Decide what it is you need from your trip. For me this journey is as much about having some time to write as it is to think about the direction of my career combined with satisfying my wanderlust desires and a need to challenge myself by travelling alone in a new country.

Choose a destination inline with you intention and your instincts

You might decide you want to reconnect with your inner child and go to a beautiful fairytale castle or have some alone time in a solitary cabin in the woods. You might want to challenge yourself and end up zip lining down a mountain in Brazil. Try and align your destination with your intention but at the same time don’t forget to listen to your instincts. If you get the pull to go somewhere check it out.

Schedule alone time

This is really important. I am lucky and have friends all over Europe so I can pretty much stay in any country I like for free. However, it can be tiring to be a guest all the time. So even if you are going to visit friends schedule some time to yourself. Nothing is more healing or more mindful than having a day just going with your own flow and following your own desires.

Don’t overbook your schedule

Make sure you give yourself some time that is free for going with the flow. There is alot to see and do around the world but some of the most enlightening adventures come unplanned and spontaneously. That’s how I found myself drinking champagne outside an igloo on top of an austrian mountain last year enjoying the beautiful sunshine on the snow.

Challenge yourself

Now travelling alone is challenging but try and push the boundaries back a little more on your trip and plan to do something that will challenge you. When we challenge ourselves we grow. And often end up with better stories to tell and a sense of self achievement.  Sometimes the challenge is accidental and its about learning to cope not react to it. (For example I had a conductor read my ticket wrong and that meant I had a two hour delay. No sweat I went to the art gallery, it was a nice trip!)

Immerse yourself in the new culture

Learning about a new culture is widening both of the mind and spirit. Wherever you are in the world on your travels try the local food, go out where the locals go. Find the off beaten track that will show you something new. I find from travelling I have not only learnt to appreciate new things, perspectives, beliefs and yummly, food, I have also learnt a lot about my own culture. Both it’s strengths and weaknesses. Travelling gives you a fresher perspective on your own roots ergo deepening your understanding of yourself.

Remember to Play

When we travel we often do or say things we wouldn’t do at home. I always recommend playing. It is healthy at any age. But I especially advise doing it when you are abroad. Children are much more open to new experiences. Let your inner child guide you into seeing the world with a fresh perspective and allow them to inspire you.

Keep a Journal

With all these new sights, sounds, experiences and thoughts it can be easy to forget all the flashes of insight and clarity you have. I recommend keeping a travel journal. I still have mine from South Africa. Going back and looking at it reminds me how far I have come and reminds me of the lessons and insights I still need to remember now.

Enjoy the journey

Don’t stress about the personal development part of your journey. Be present. Enjoy it. And allow the inspiration to flow naturally.   In my experience the most enlightened thoughts sometimes turn up in the strangest of places!

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What have you learnt from traveling solo? Please share in the comments section below!

Have a wonderfully adventurous week <3

#Lifelessons101 – Finding your identity after a break up

Breakups are the worst. Not much more to say about that. The healing process after can be really tough if you have spent so long being us that you can’t remember how to be me.

After a break up you can feel a bit lost at first. Over the years, your thoughts and lifestyle patterns have been in unionism with another individual and once that habit breaks, it’s almost feels like you have lost a bit of yourself in the process

We’ve all been there. Finding your identity again after a breakup can be a real challenge. Yet remembering who you are and discovering who you are now, knowing who you are and what you want out of life is one of the most important steps to healing and growing. And is one of the gifts of learning you get from a break-up.

Now I have had my share of failed relationships. Yet through the many trials and tribulations  and I have found a fail safe formula to get back on track and find myself again. Knowing who you are and where you want to be relatively quickly. Sounds unbelievable right? Well it works. It’s worked for me. And it works for every client I have ever had in a breakup situation.

The process has 3 steps. Do them at your own tempo. Moving forward is a process not an on and off switch you can flip. So just take each step when it feels right.

So if you have come out of a relationship and can’t remember who you  are anymore and want to move forward please just try this method and I hope from the bottom of my heart it helps xxx

Step 1: Find your dreams

I discovered this during my divorce. It was a relatively short lived marriage and stopped so abruptly I was still full of the dreams, goals and hopes I had for our future. I couldn’t actually remember what I had wanted before. And I had no idea what I wanted at them time. So I made a list. (If you are regular here you know that I LOVE lists!) This was a special list. PArt bucket list and part goals. I wrote down everything I could thing of I wanted to do, had dreamed of doing, wanted to learn or try. The list included learning to skateboard, getting an education, baking my own bread and travelling alone to a foreign country. Once written I looked at what I could put into action straight away. I grabbed a skateboard and in my suit I skated to the office every day. I went travelling around South Africa. I booked surfing and motorcycle lessons. Now to be fair I was overly trying but it helped. Everytime I felt despondent I looked at my dream list and worked out how to make something happen. Within 3 months I was enjoying life again and felt more empowered than I had done in so many years. In Fact I am still working out of that original list today. Just 20 minutes in one of my hardest of life moments became a total game changer.

So grab some paper and a pen and start to write your dream list. Include both stupid things, practical things and things you think might be unachievable. The sky’s the limit. Once written fulfill one of them. Make it happen.

Step 2 – Find your passion

So a little while after you have started to live out some of your dreams. You might find yourself wanting something more substantial. It’s at this point I recommend finding your passion in life. If you already know it you can choose to either skip this stage or use it to check in that you are on the right path. The 7 strange questions created by Mark Manson is the most effective method I have found to identify what it is that really sparks your passion. Originally created to to find your life purpose these questions are a no bs way of cutting straight to what is important, in an easy and accessible format.

 The 7 strange questions – The questions were invented by Mark Manson however they are slightly adapted.

1. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF SHIT SANDWICH AND DOES IT COME WITH AN OLIVE?

Think about the worst possible life style you could have that you could tolerate and find some happiness in. So not the worst lifestyle you have, but what is your bottom line?

2. WHAT IS TRUE ABOUT YOU TODAY THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD SELF CRY?

We all have a tendency to lose touch with what we loved as a child. Something about the social pressures of adolescence and professional pressures of young adulthood squeezes the passion out of us. We’re taught that the only reason to do something is if we’re somehow rewarded for it. However our 8 year old self didn’t think like that. The did things for the sheer joy of it. What brought you joy then that you don’t do now?

3. WHAT MAKES YOU FORGET TO EAT AND POOP?

Maybe for you, it’s computer games. Maybe it’s organizing things efficiently, or getting lost in a fantasy world, creativity, sport or teaching somebody something, or solving technical problems. Whatever it is, don’t just look at the activities that keep you up all night, but look at the cognitive principles behind those activities that enthrall you. Because they can easily be applied elsewhere.

4. HOW CAN YOU BETTER EMBARRASS YOURSELF?

Before you are able to be good at something and do something important, you must first suck at something and have no clue what you’re doing. That’s pretty obvious. And in order to suck at something and have no clue what you’re doing, you must embarrass yourself in some shape or form, often repeatedly. And most people try to avoid embarrassing themselves, namely because it sucks.

Right now, there’s something you want to do, something you think about doing, something you fantasize about doing, yet you don’t do it.You have your reasons, no doubt.if your reasons are, “My parents would hate it,” or “My friends would make fun of me,” or “If I failed, I’d look like an idiot,” then chances are, you’re actually avoiding something you truly care about because caring about that thing is what scares the shit out of you, not what mom thinks or what Timmy next door says.

5. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD?

Find a problem you care about and start solving it. Obviously, you’re not going to fix the world’s problems by yourself. But you can contribute and make a difference. And that feeling of making a difference is ultimately what’s most important for your own happiness and fulfillment.

6. GUN TO YOUR HEAD, IF YOU HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, WHERE WOULD YOU GO AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Discovering what you’re passionate about in life and what matters to you is a full-contact sport, a trial-and-error process. None of us know exactly how we feel about an activity until we actually do the activity.

So ask yourself, if someone put a gun to your head and forced you to leave your house every day for everything except for sleep, how would you choose to occupy yourself? And no, you can’t just go sit in a coffee shop and browse Facebook. You probably already do that. Let’s pretend there are no useless websites, no video games, no TV. You have to be outside of the house all day every day until it’s time to go to bed — where would you go and what would you do?

7. IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE ONE YEAR FROM TODAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO AND HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED?

Most of us don’t like thinking about death. It freaks us out. But thinking about our own death surprisingly has a lot of practical advantages. One of those advantages is that it forces us to zero in on what’s actually important in our lives and what’s just frivolous and distracting.

So what would you do if you knew exactly when the end was nigh? What is your legacy going to be? What are the stories people are going to tell when you’re gone? What is your obituary going to say? Is there anything to say at all? If not, what would you like it to say?

Now before moving on to the next step, have a look at your answers and see if you can find reoccuring themes. What words crop up again and again? And once you have looked once, look again.

Step 3: Start to build the life you imagine for you

So now you know your passions and your dreams, it’s time to start thinking about the life you want for you. Grab the biggest piece of paper you can find and create a vision of your ideal life.

Throw out all reality and allow your fantasy to run riot. This is you creating your universal recipe for how you would like your life to be. Every time you think no that’s not possible ask yourself do you want it? If the answer is yes, then it goes on the brain storm.

There are four sections to this brainstorm and I would recommend imaging your life 10 – 15 years from now.

Lifestyle – This includes where you live, what in, do you own it, countryside, city, what style of accomodation, what decorations.  What is your life style like? Your hobbies, do you eat out every week? Do you travel 3 times a year? Do you own a summer house? Do you have a pet? Do you have a car, a motor bike, a boat? And how much money do you have in the bank? Also do you want alot of social or is me time very important to you?

Career – Describe your job, the hours you work, your responsibilities, your working environment, your ideal colleagues and of course your ideal pay.

Achievements – This is basically a bucket list for the next ten years.  Achievements do not need to be just finished university, got married with two kids, it can be something like being an extra on a marvel movie, volunteering in Nepal, riding a bike across the great wall of China or doing a parachute jump. Remember no limits and that fun is a hugely important part of this journey called life

People – This section is about the people and relationships you want in your life. And I don’t mean just names. This is about the quality of your relationships. And this can also be the relationship you have with yourself.

Do this brainstorm on paper, the bigger the better. Follow the order and do each section one at a time.

Then take a step back. This is the life you want. And this is the life you are going to create for yourself. How does it feel to look at it? Are the themes from the 7 questions involved in your plan? If not how can you include them. These are your passions and if you suppress them you won’t feel happy or fulfilled in life.

When you have finished this is the time to start making goals and a plan to create this life for yourself. If you like you could create a vision board or use some of the goal setting techniques here.

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By the time you reach stage 3 you will find that you are starting to feel like you again. There are of course many other parts of healing that need to happen after a break up. Finding yourself is but one of those. However when you know who you are and what you want, it is a heck of a lot easier to move forward and gives you something to keep aiming for when the saddness or memories make that day tough.

Let me know how you get on with the steps and how they helped you in the comments below.

Wherever you are in the world I wish you a beautiful weekend <3