Why is loving ourselves so hard and what to do about it?


When we think of the word self-love it tends to bring up an insta-filtred vision of harmonious self acceptance and unconditional love for ourselves. Everything fixed and all our problems solved. Huzzah!

Truth is, in reality, loving ourselves is not so easy.

Now alot of people online blame comparison culture for the reason loving ourselves is so difficult.I disagree. Comparison culture has been around for centuries.IT’s nothing new. Yes we have more access to comparing ourselves than ever before, but go check out the letters of ladies of the tudor court and you will see they were also affected by comparison culture. 

I think the reason loving ourselves so hard is due to the expectations we put upon ourselves. Self inflicted, unrealistic ideals, unrealsitic beliefs of how we should be, look and live, even think. We pile expectations on ourselves all the time. And then we get dissapointed when we don’t match up to them. Then we start to judge ourselves and beat ourselves up, metaphorically speaking. All because we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves. 

Expectation culture is the true enemy of self-love

So what can we do about it? 

Well the great thing is that an expectation is self created. And that means my friend we can create something new!


…Don’t you just love that feeling when there is a simple-ish solution to a soul destroying, complicated problem.

I have a 3 step strategy that blasts away those unrealistic expectations and will get you on the path to loving yourself. 

It takes a little time, a litte effort. 

However, it will take much less time and effort than many of the things we do in life to meet our unrealistic expectations. 

Let’s get down to it…

What to do - step by step

Are you ready for the simplest formula ever? Here you go. 

STEP 1: Discover your main influencers

STEP 2: Decide what you want you really, really want

STEP 3: Turn those expectations into goals & actions

Yes it really is a simple formula. On paper. In practice it will take some soul searching, facing a few demons and some stark truths. In other words it’s going to get messy before it get’s better.

But that is the dragon you have to face in order to get the treasure my love. In means putting on those big girl bloomers and doing it. 

Which is a much less scary/depressing choice than staying in a self-created, self depricating hell. 


 Let’s do this!


step 1: Discover your main influencers

In order to create new expectations, you gotta know what you are already expecting of yourself. Otherwise you will just be piling on to an overflowing pile of bullsh*t. Trust me I did this! The best way to find the unrealistic expectations you have created for yourself is to look for your main influencers:  your negative self-talk and your frustrations in life, with yourself and what are you scared of when it comes to other people rejecting you. (I did say it was going to get messy to start with. Hang in there it does get better). 

Write this stuff down. Then by each sentence see what expectation is creating this BS. For each and everyone. Once you have done that take a step back. Would you put those expectations on a friend? A loved one? Your child? Probably not. So why do it to yourself? 

There maybe things there that you think actually that expectation is reasonable to YOU. If there is then underline it. You don’t have to get rid of all your expectations. You just need to be realistic and kinder to yourself.  


STEP 2: Decide what you want you really, really want

Oh tell you what you want, what you really, really want! (Now that song will be there all day, dammit). But seriously, there are things that you want to be like. Now the important thing here is that these expectations that you want to have for yourself need to be based on what is right for you. Not someone else’s opinion. Your expectations for yourself have to be based on your opinions. 

So for example when it comes to body image, I don’t buy into this whole Hot girl Summer because of other people’s ideas. I personally have an expectation that my body should be healthy enough to do the things I want to do and be functioning at optimum level for my age. Which for me means not being overweight, doing exercise so I can walk upstairs without being out of breath etc I like my body to be firmer because that fits my beauty ideal. That is my personal hot girl summer ideal. (And no I am not there yet-working on it). It is what I want. Your expectations for what you want for your looks, your personality may be completely different. Infact in my mind they should be. Cause it’s about you, not me. 


STEP 3: Turn those expectations into goals & actions

Taking action is true unconditional self-love. Now you have your true expectations. Based on your beliefs, your choices, what is right for you.  Now by setting these realistic expections you may find you are already meeting them. Great! In that case, keep doing what you are doing. But what about the ones you are not meeting? Well you already know how it feels to beat yourself up and worry about them, so let’s not go there again. You want to feel better about these? Then you have to take action. 

Turn that expectation into a goal. Not a pressure. Figure out how to meet it. It migh tbe you need to get in help to process your past or begin to practice daily self-love or in my case a get a personal trainer. Set yourself some targets, and some mini milestones, plan the steps to get there and start doing my love. Action is self-love. By doing something about your REALISTIC unmet expectation you are showing yourself you care, you are turning up for yourself. And that my friend really is what true self-love is all about. 

If you want more self-love inspiration check out my self-love workbook

I have been working on my self-love journey for a long time and I have gathered some of my favourite tools into this downloadable e-workbook so you can start to really begin to train your self-love muscles and fly!

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